Amazing Love

A few nights ago Jonathan and I went to see "The Vow." We both enjoyed it, but found it to be very different than what we had expected. The actual movie has little to do with this post, but I felt I needed to mention it because it was the instigator to a conversation we had at dinner after the movie and a moment of epiphany in our marriage.

Let me start from the beginning...the beginning of our current situation that is. Well, no, lets start from the actual beginning. Approximately 11 years ago Jonathan and I started dating. The vast majority of our relationship was long distance. He was in NC at App State and I was in Columbia at USC. As we dated, were engaged, and then newly married we went through all the stuff that any other couple goes through. We were head over heels in love. We wanted to spend every waking moment together and truly looked forward to seeing each other at the end of a busy day. There was passion and romance in many forms. We would see each other across the room and give a knowing smile that was meant just for each other. We had not yet reached the point in our relationship where little things about each other bothered us. (You know those things that were cute or no big deal before?)

Then, like many other relationships, time passes and life takes over. Life became routine. Five years passed and we added Nolan to the mix and life became crazy. Two more years pass and we add Reagan to our family and now life is all about survival. Jonathan is working long hours at a job that has several negative aspects (although there are positive ones as well). I am adjusting to being at home full time as well as having a two year old that tests boundaries at every turn. Not to mention also having an infant that is not sleeping through the night. It had gotten to the point that even the smallest romantic gesture took too much time and effort. We used to leave each other sweet notes or text/call several times a day. That was a thing of the past.

Many times the only conversation we even have on any given day was "good bye" in the morning, small talk at dinner, and "good night" at bedtime. Of course that wasn't every day, but often enough that we began to notice an emotional rift between us. About a week ago (two nights before we went to the movies) we ended up having a very long conversation (not a fight because no voices were raised and very few accusations were made) about the emotional distance we were experiencing. It was apparent that we could not continue on the same path or things were going to get worse. I honestly can't remember our exact conversation, but I distinctly remember voicing that I felt like the major issue that contributed to all other issues is our lack of effective communication. I also remember how nice it was to actually have a conversation with my husband.

So skip ahead a couple evenings and we were eating dinner after the movie. I asked Jonathan what he thought of it (seeing as how it was a chick flick and he doesn't usually enjoy them. I was really surprised when he agreed to go with me). He said that it showed him two things that were sadly and seriously lacking in our relationship. Very intrigued I asked him to explain. He said, "first of all, we need to live every single day like that guy in the movie did. We need to love each other every day as if it is our last day to be together. Secondly, I need to love you in a way that shows you I accept you for who you are rather than in a manipulative way." I asked him to clarify what he meant by manipulative love. He explained, "instead of suggesting you do things a certain way, I should just accept they way you do them. Specifically, small things like putting your clothes away or taking forever to get ready for bed" (that would be some of those things that used to be no big deal early in marriage). As he finished explaining I stared at him almost in disbelief. Here we are, over seven and a half years into this marriage; in a marital valley, so to speak, and my husband says this to me.

In that moment it was so very clear to me that my husband loves me. Not the mushy, lovey dovey kind of love. Not the passionate, transient, newly married kind of love. But the never-ending, God given, I am choosing to do this kind of love. The kind of love it takes to make a marriage last even when there are emotional rifts, crazy busy schedules, and at times lack of communication. What a humbling moment! What an epiphany that we can choose to love each other this way in order fulfill our vows to each other and to honor what God has done for us. God chooses to love us despite all we do to disappoint him. God IS Love. Jonathan and I are choosing to love each other in a self-sacrificial, non-manipulative way that will help our marriage endure.

Now don't get me wrong. We are no marriage experts and I am positive that we will mess up in the future. But at this point in time, I have more confidence in my husband's love for me, my love for him, and our marriage than ever before. Praise God!

Our Wedding Day!

Still just as in love today...just with a little more effort!

"My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife"

So I finished the first book on my list a while back and have been mulling over all that I got out of it. The authors life story is slightly different than my own, but her one year experiment to become a better wife and mother go right along with my goals for this year. She had some great insight and revelations that I will share with you.
First of all, I don't know about you other women out there, but I have always had a double opinion about the Proverbs 31 woman. On the one hand, she is quite amazing and I very much want to be just like her. She is an inspiration and because she is in the Bible, and the Bible is the word of God, she is what I am supposed to be like. On the other hand, I feel it is completely unattainable to be like the Proverbs 31 women. She is pretty much the perfrect woman. I have admittedly questioned if she was even a real person or not. I mean who can do all that she does and maintain such composure?
For those of you not familiar with this scripture (and even those who are) let me show you what I mean.

A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still night;

she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.

She considers a field and buys it;

out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverngs for her bed;

she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

and supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her priase at the city gate.

Proverbs 31:10-31

Ummm...yeah. Where do I even start? It would take FOREVER to talk about each verse, but let me tell you some of the ones that spoke to me the loudest.

Verse 12: "She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." Oh goodness...do I do bring Jonathan only good and no harm (I asked myself)? I really don't think I can claim that. I meant don't get me wrong, I don't put him in physical danger or anything, but I do ocassionally raise my voice when I am upset and say accusatory words when I feel defensive. Unfortunately those things can be called harmful. Harmful to his pride and his confidence. So I put that one of my list to focus on.

Here is what Sara Horn (author of "My So-Called Life as a Proverbs 31 Wife") had to say. "It's hard to get uptight or fed up with someone when you're constantly taking him to God in prayer. Prayer helps. It's a good reminder I am not in control." So I am certainly looking forward to reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" to learn better how to pray for my husband daily. He deserves better from me and I am called to be better. If praying for him helps me do that, then so be it, that's what I'll do.

Also, "Maybe marriage is one big challenge or opportunity to love someone better than I love myself, a chance fr me to get just a taste of what it is for God to love the whole world so much that he allowed his Son to die for us."

Lastly, "...as women we have extreme influence on our men. For good or for bad...our words make such a difference." So true. Something to remember every time I feel the urge to speak out in defense.

Verse 19: "She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy." Well, I volunteer at the free clinic once a month and I deliver food to underpriveledged families for our church when needed. But do those things really count? Is that really what God wants from me? I have a strong desire to give, but I often find myself consulting the check book to make sure I am able to give instead of just believing God will provide regardless of what I give. So I can put that one on the list also.

Verse 25: "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Oh goodness...I am not sure about this one. Lots of days I cringe at the days to come. Nolan is certainly behaving as most two and a half year olds do and it is challenging even on good days. Do I have stregnth and dignity? I would like to. Here is what Sara Horn had to say: "If I carry strength each day, then I will meet each task with confidence. If I carry dignity each day, then I will meet each task with commitment." Ok, so that sounds more doable. I need to be confident that I can carry out each individual task that comes up during the day and be committed to each task rather than say "I'll get to it later." This also means being completely committed to being consistent with Nolan. This is very hard!

Verse 26: "She speaks with wisdom, and instruction is on her tongue." I so badly want to do this one. It is my job to educate and instruct my children correctly. On the list it goes.

There are so many more I'd like to focus on, but these are a start. But oddly enough as I continued looking at my notes from this book I realized that I still have it all wrong. Yes, each of the things above are things I want to get better at. BUT...I'm going about it all the wrong way. Sara Horn says it far batter than I could. Here are her words:

"It's not about the doing. It's about the heart. And ultimately, when you go back and read Proverbs 31, it's not about the doing for her either. It's about fearing God. honoring God. Loving God. In whatever actions that pours out as.

Do we have a responsibility as moms and wives to our families? Of course. But our first responsibility is to God. And I don't think we can say 'We just need to balance.' Because sayig we need to balance implies making things equal. And God is not equal with anything. Or anyone. God comes first. Perod. And by placing him first, the rest comes together.

So all of these ambitions I had...all of them are nice, but none of them as important as what I do to honor God. How I live my life each day to honor him- through loving my husband, through loving my children...But God has to come first."

"And I don't have to 'do' so much in order to be."

AMEN! She is speaking right to me! I am the queen of "doing" things in order to improve. Hence my long reading list for this year. Not that I'm going to throw the list, or the books, out the window. But my new, bigger goal is to focus on God. Praying more often about even the smaller things in order to get through each day as the best Proverbs 31 woman I can be!

As I continue reading the notes I took, I may post some more on this subject later.

A quick FOK update: lost one and a half pounds this week. Some of the recipes were good and some not so much. A definite learning experience. Will post some good recipes soon.