Amazing Love

A few nights ago Jonathan and I went to see "The Vow." We both enjoyed it, but found it to be very different than what we had expected. The actual movie has little to do with this post, but I felt I needed to mention it because it was the instigator to a conversation we had at dinner after the movie and a moment of epiphany in our marriage.

Let me start from the beginning...the beginning of our current situation that is. Well, no, lets start from the actual beginning. Approximately 11 years ago Jonathan and I started dating. The vast majority of our relationship was long distance. He was in NC at App State and I was in Columbia at USC. As we dated, were engaged, and then newly married we went through all the stuff that any other couple goes through. We were head over heels in love. We wanted to spend every waking moment together and truly looked forward to seeing each other at the end of a busy day. There was passion and romance in many forms. We would see each other across the room and give a knowing smile that was meant just for each other. We had not yet reached the point in our relationship where little things about each other bothered us. (You know those things that were cute or no big deal before?)

Then, like many other relationships, time passes and life takes over. Life became routine. Five years passed and we added Nolan to the mix and life became crazy. Two more years pass and we add Reagan to our family and now life is all about survival. Jonathan is working long hours at a job that has several negative aspects (although there are positive ones as well). I am adjusting to being at home full time as well as having a two year old that tests boundaries at every turn. Not to mention also having an infant that is not sleeping through the night. It had gotten to the point that even the smallest romantic gesture took too much time and effort. We used to leave each other sweet notes or text/call several times a day. That was a thing of the past.

Many times the only conversation we even have on any given day was "good bye" in the morning, small talk at dinner, and "good night" at bedtime. Of course that wasn't every day, but often enough that we began to notice an emotional rift between us. About a week ago (two nights before we went to the movies) we ended up having a very long conversation (not a fight because no voices were raised and very few accusations were made) about the emotional distance we were experiencing. It was apparent that we could not continue on the same path or things were going to get worse. I honestly can't remember our exact conversation, but I distinctly remember voicing that I felt like the major issue that contributed to all other issues is our lack of effective communication. I also remember how nice it was to actually have a conversation with my husband.

So skip ahead a couple evenings and we were eating dinner after the movie. I asked Jonathan what he thought of it (seeing as how it was a chick flick and he doesn't usually enjoy them. I was really surprised when he agreed to go with me). He said that it showed him two things that were sadly and seriously lacking in our relationship. Very intrigued I asked him to explain. He said, "first of all, we need to live every single day like that guy in the movie did. We need to love each other every day as if it is our last day to be together. Secondly, I need to love you in a way that shows you I accept you for who you are rather than in a manipulative way." I asked him to clarify what he meant by manipulative love. He explained, "instead of suggesting you do things a certain way, I should just accept they way you do them. Specifically, small things like putting your clothes away or taking forever to get ready for bed" (that would be some of those things that used to be no big deal early in marriage). As he finished explaining I stared at him almost in disbelief. Here we are, over seven and a half years into this marriage; in a marital valley, so to speak, and my husband says this to me.

In that moment it was so very clear to me that my husband loves me. Not the mushy, lovey dovey kind of love. Not the passionate, transient, newly married kind of love. But the never-ending, God given, I am choosing to do this kind of love. The kind of love it takes to make a marriage last even when there are emotional rifts, crazy busy schedules, and at times lack of communication. What a humbling moment! What an epiphany that we can choose to love each other this way in order fulfill our vows to each other and to honor what God has done for us. God chooses to love us despite all we do to disappoint him. God IS Love. Jonathan and I are choosing to love each other in a self-sacrificial, non-manipulative way that will help our marriage endure.

Now don't get me wrong. We are no marriage experts and I am positive that we will mess up in the future. But at this point in time, I have more confidence in my husband's love for me, my love for him, and our marriage than ever before. Praise God!

Our Wedding Day!

Still just as in love today...just with a little more effort!